| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|10:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I've hit a low. Why do I feel this shitty? It's not like theres anything I can do. Most of the time I'm ok just never thinking about him. But there are these nights when I cant get my mind off of it. How everything ended, how he hasnt called me since, how he has someone whos so much better than me in every way, how he just doesnt care. I cant help but think that Ive made myself sad. I built him up and invisioned all these feelings I thought he had. I had no right to treat him the way I did those last few days. But what the fuck was I supposed to think? I hate it all. I hate myself. I hate life. I just want so badly to stop thinking about him. So.. this is going to be my last post about him. LAST. I will not waste anymore time writing about him. It just pisses me off.
Ugh.. I dont want to be here. I dont want to be there. There is nowhere to be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|01:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | avoiding the work i have to do! | ] |
I just had a long talk with my father over lunch. He could tell something was wrong because I showed up in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and just wandering around the office. And I told him that I am just depressed. But now that I am using that word to describe things fairly often, I dont quite think its exactly right. I mean, I probably am depressed.. but thats not nearly the worst of it. I have this underlying hate for myself. And I only let it out once in a while, but when it comes... it fucking wont go away. I was trying to describe my train of thought to how I get to blaming myself, and It was shocking. Basically, anytime I get sad about anything I somehow come to a thought of "well its your fucking fault and theres nothing you can do about it." Im so angry with the world right now. I have very little faith in people. Theres only a handfull of people I trust. And I dont know whether that is sad, or good, or what? We also talked a lot about personality. And we have so many freakin things in common.. it almost makes me sick. At the moment I feel like such an outcast. I feel like everyone is moving forward, or already has.. and I dont even know them anymore. And im not sure I want to. I dont know who I despise more at the moment, guys or girls.
I really dont want to go back. Partly because I know things are gonna end weird here and that will most likely be the begginning of the end. Well.. actually, that was last night. Partly because Im scared amy wont go back and I dont know if I can make it another semester without her. Partly because Im really sad and my parents dont want me to go back. And partly because I hate fucking arizona. But I am going back. I need to prove to myself that I can do it. That I can get through it. I feel like if I do this then maybe Ill feel the slightest bit better about myself. If I know I can get through a really dark time like this, then maybe I can slowly convince myself that Im going to be ok. I dont know. I dont know anything really. I cant even text the right people.
I do know that without amy and selase talking to me throughout this whole thing I would be nowhere. Thank you. You are amazing. |
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| im sooo stupid |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|09:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
For those of you who thought i wasnt that stupid, i assure you.. i am. i shouldnt be able to live for myself... someone should do it for me. please. i suck. and dont say i dont, because i know i do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|11:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | music of zoleso, the up and comming band! | ] |
These past two days have been some of the weirdest in a very long time. Monday, I was supposed to "talk" with him and make him understand why im so upset. But.. that didnt really go according to plans. He got invited somewhere, i dont really know or care, and couldnt get home till late. And I had to get up at 5 to take my grandma to the hospital. So he made a promise that wed hang out on tuesday no matter what, he swore. But I didnt believe him. And when I hung up the phone, I felt sooo alone. And I HATED myself. Im talking scratching at my face trying to dig my nails in my skin, kind of hate. I could NOT stand myself. I dont know. I have no words to describe the amount of hate that I had for no one but myself. After crying, throwing and breaking anything i could find for 2 hours my mom finally noticed something was wrong and came to talk to me. And I told her how i was feeling. But I dont think she really understood. She just kept saying, "but i love you, how could you hate yourself..." typical mom stuff. I even told her how it kills me that I cant really do anything to make her life better, or even as good as she deserves. And her response to that was, "Im fine. And Ill be fine." And at that moment I kind of admired her. I guess I always underestimate her strength. She is the strongest person I have ever known. For her to be able to tell me that shes ok and is going to be ok was just amazing to me. I dont know if Im ever going to feel ok, and maybe thats why I admired it so much. I want to be ok soo badly. But our talk was good. I still felt like complete shit though.
I woke up the next morning at 5 with a fat headache from crying, a stuffy nose, a swore throat... it was gross. But for the most part, I felt better. After saying goodbye to my grandma when she was going to surgery, I went home and passed out again... that was awesome. When I woke up I felt A LOT better for some reason. My moods are soooo fucking weird. Anyway... So.. I text ben and he got mad because he thought i was at their house already or something. I dont know, Ive given up on trying to understand him. And so I get there... he says, "hey, so good to see you... come hang out.." and runs in the other room. And I was just like what the fuck? I was so mad. And then he tries to convince me for an hour to go with freddy and stacey to see hostel.. and I mostly didnt want to go because I knew stacey wouldnt want us there. But I never said that. But sure enough right when freddy mentions that were going too, she throws a fit. Whatever, that was stupid. I dont know, I guess the whole night I didnt really feel like myself. I just wanted to leave. But of course I didnt. The situation just sucks. And did we talk about anything that we needed to... nope. He pretty much just lechtured me on how ive forgotten how to act, and i should be thankful i have a family that cares about me, and how im crazy now. It was super fun. Finally at the end of the night we got to talking... a little more. He was saying I need to eat and all this weird stuff. And I guess because they went to In and Out and I didnt want anything he thought I wasnt eating or something. Whatever. Im fucking done. I just got angry all of a sudden. This is all just so fucked up, and I want to stop caring.
P.S. This is what stacey just text me about b and c: she has been comming over and calling him, and he likes her personality.
What the fuck is that shit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|11:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
OK. Im calmer now. I think I was having a small anxiety attack while I was writing that last entry. But Im not really in an angry state right now, so I didnt want to leave that as my last entry for the day. So here I am. Writing a brand new one. yay.
I finally registered for some classes. Ha. All of my classes are kind of a joke. I just decided to say fuck it and sign up for whatever the hell I wanted to take. So I think Im in human sexuality, communications, an athletic training class or something, excercise science, and i signed up for a one hour a week basketball class. Ha. Yeah.. Im a loser. O, and I think I want to be an athletic trainer or physical therapist now. I almost signed up for a coaching basketball class... but i thought that would just be tooo out there. Anyway.. we'll see how this goes. But the good thing is that I have no classes on monday or friday! And i have four on tuesday and thursday an one on wednesday. So, thats actually gonna kinda suck.. but whatever.. I dont give a shit.
I attempted to ice skate last night with some friends. And by attempted, I mean we got there saw people bleeding from falling (because i guess since its not cold enough to keep the rink cold in walnut creek, they have to do something weird to the ice and it makes it sharper or some shit) and chickened out and went to starbucks. Im kind of a wuss lately. Did I mention that all my friends here think that amy and i are in love and that we are getting married in hawaii. haha, it just makes me laugh. Until they wont stop making comments.. and im just like whatever bitches... ur just jealous cuz my best friend kicks ass!!!!!!!!!!!1haha... ok im going crazy again.. i need to eat. low blood sugar. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|11:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | irritated | ] |
BAHHH! Im so sick of stupid people. I just cant deal with them. I was reading someones live journal about how they were so depressed and this year had been so hard for them and blah blah... but i wanted to know what happened to them.... and .... NOTHING fucking did. AHHHHHHH... people are so stupid! Ok.. so a fucking boy that you loved doesnt want to be with you... but is still your friend. Get the FUCK over it. It will happen again. And I dont even really remember whose journal this was.. and i dont think i knew them that well.. but GOD, for some reason it just made me sooo mad. And now Im bitching for nothing. whatever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2005|01:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lazy | ] |
So, Im writing because selase told me to. But I dont really have anything to say. Except that Im so FUCKING excited to go to Hawaii in a week. AND be with AMY. Thats gonna be the shit for sure.
While Ive been home I have actually done and seen a lot. The first day I got back I saw literally ALL of my friends. It was awesome. Until I got in the middle of two fights. That wasnt so fun. The first one was just stupid between Staci and Freddy, but the second one was sooo fucking intense and awkward. Ben was just screaming at ashley for being stupid and throwing a fit because it was supposed to be their "last night" together and me and ryan were there. And he was fucking screaming. And kicking things, throwing things.. I mean, I had only seen that part of him one other time and it wasnt nearly as bad. I was sitting there just pretending I was somewhere else. After an hour of that shit, we all just fell asleep. The next morning I tried to just get everyone to laugh at it all.. I think I might have succeeded a little. But anyways.. yes, that night sucked. And Bens phone doesnt work, so who knows when Ill see him again. But I did happen to find out some interesting information about him. haha, it makes me laugh just thinking about it. We were sitting at the girls varsity championship game and freddy just starts asking me all these questions... like "so.. did you ever like ben??", "do you still like him?", and then starting talking about how he thought that ben liked me over the summer and thinks that he still does or something. And ofcourse i denied everything.. but I told freddy about the bride comment that ben made over the summer and he laughed sooo hard.. it was funny. But I guess sometime when my friends (chenda, hubert, and andrew) were visiting ben was telling freddy that he would never fuck chenda because she was my friend, and then freddy asked him why that mattered and if he liked me or something, and ben got really quiet and didnt say anything. I dont know though. Its all just sooo funny. And things have deffinately changed between us.. so yeah, nothings probablly ever going to happen.. but whatever.. i love hanging out with him.. anyway, thats my story. I know its not very good... but deffinately better than anything selase has ever told. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|12:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  touched | ] |
I could write about so many things right now. All the shit that has happened in my life, all the issues I have, all of my many problems.. but instead I want to write about this wonderful person that has given me something that no one has ever given me. She has given me the strength to believe in myself. She has given me an outlet to lay all my shit out there. She has blessed my life in so many ways that I cannot even describe. She has potentially saved me. Tonight, although we were both not in our most clearly thinking states, I had one of the most amazing talks, cries, breakthroughs, whatever you want to call it, in my life. I love her more than life itself. I know that Im going to be ok. I have not known that in.. forever. I am soooooooo thankful that she is in my life, and is going to be in my life for a very very long time. I owe the world to her. Or even more than that. So.. to you amy, I cannot say it enough... You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and the fact that you knew exactly what to say to me to slowly get me to believe I am worthy is truly a godly gift. I love you! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|08:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  LB baby! | ] |
Today I started thinking about something that I hadn't in about 2 years or so. Granted, it was prompted by something amy said, but thats ok. I started to think about my parents divorce and just how awful the whole ordeal was, and the shitty outcome, and how I still havent fully accepted the fact that things will never go back to the way they were, and my life is pretty much gonna stay on this course. I mean, its not that Im not ok with it, Im perfectly fine with it, its just that I havent really dealt with it. I havent really dealt with anything in a while. I just keep floating on without any real emotion. I know part of that comes from me never wanting to be let down again the way I was. So if I dont put any real passion towards anything and let myself be open to anything I might feel, there is no possible way I could be dissapointed. And thats just sad. I dont want to keep going through life scared of being hurt, scared of bad news, scared of feeling betrayed. Because Im at the point now where things are good but never amazing, things make me happy but never to the point where Im ever truly happy. Because Im numb.
Back to the whole divorce thing. The thing that makes me so fucking upset is that the one who fucked up and fucked all of his kids up, is the one who has the high paying job, the loving wife, the big house, and the ideal daughter. And what does my mom have? Its just so aggravating. I want sooo badly for my mother to be happy and just get a fucking break. She has the biggest heart, and because of that people just use her.. and that makes me so depressed. How could someone with nothing but good intentions be stuck with people who are the most ungratefull and self centered people I have ever met? I dont know, I just get really sad thinking about my mom. And I dont want to sound like Im bitching or that Im looking for pitty.. its just that its really hard for me to communicate thoughts, especially thoughts like these, to anyone.. and its been a really long time since Ive even allowed myself to think about these things. So it just feels good to get them out somehow.
Well.. the holidays are sort of comming up i guess.. but Ive been thinking about them too. I hate the fucking holidays. They just remind me of soo much. I just hate them. Being in my great aunts house makes me sick. I dont think theres been a christmas there that I have not broken down at some point in 5 years. That house is not only haunted by my moms prescence, but its haunted by my aunt's prescence too. My dad's, brother's, ex-wife. Wow, I havent thought about her in a LONG time. Her name was Jenny too. So on present tags people would have to write big jenny or little jenny. I miss her. I was the flower girl at their wedding. She was one of the smarted people I have ever known. She was a 6th grade english teacher I think. So yeah.. Ive discovered that I really have this fucked up perspective on love. Because Ive had two examples of complete love and devotion just crumble into hate, thrown at me and been forced to handle it like it was nothing. I mean, I believe in love. I dont really know how to put my thoughts down so they make sense. Its just that Im afraid Ill never fully invest in anyone because Im expecting a fall out. If that makes any sense. Anyway.. enough. bahhhhh |
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| California! California! |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|11:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
So. havent updated in a while. i guess ive just not had the urge to write recently. but thats not entirely true cuz ive writted in my xanga a couple times. i dont know why i write in that more. i guess i feel like thats something ive had for so long and i cant let it die. i still go back and look at shit i wrote like years ago.. its crazy. and since only like 5 people know my name i feel like its more for me than this. and anyone who knows me knows that i have severe communication problems and never really say what im feeling unless physically forced to. anyway.. that shit doesnt matter.. im writing now. so yeah.
In two days ... or actually like a day and a half now.. me, amy, and chad are all heading off on a little road trip. and by little i mean 750 miles each way.. yep, im going home. finally. im deffinately really excited because i get to spend time (A LOT OF TIME) with the other half (10 MIXES BABY!!) and ofcourse chad, but part of me is kind of scared. I didnt start feeling scared until today. And the reason was because I was having kind of a bad day mentally and felt like if I went home now, I wouldnt want to come back. But the day got better. amy always cheers me up without even knowing it. Ive just been kind of down lately and hadnt really realized it, which is weird. I kind of feel trapped. Trapped with no feasable way of getting out. I cant really explain fully.. but im sure some of you understand. I know Im totally warped in the way that I look at myself, but I cant help it. Its like.. I hear you, and Im trying to believe you, but..... what if you your just saying that?... shit. I dont know, Im crazy.
I talked to my dad today for like 45 minutes and it was actually a really good conversation. We talked about my cousins, who i havent seen in like 10 months! They are getting really into golfing, which was really surprising. Because everytime I see them all they want to do is run around with me and play and neeeeed to be entertained, so i wouldnt think that golf would be that interesting to them. Plus theyre like 6 and 8. so yeah. I miss them. I miss my uncles too. I guess the whole thing with my grandma has been keeping everyone kind of distant. or atleast to me. My three uncles and my dad talk like everyday with eachother and my grandparents, but we dont get together anymore like we used to. Its hard. My dad said that my grandma doesnt like people seeing her in the state that she is and is just embarrassed. And my grandpa has been pretty depressed lately so he never wants to see anyone. But they always invite me to come stay the weekend with them. And I feel really badly for never taking them up on it. Because I love them probably just about as much as you could possibly love someone. Another thing that my dad told me, and i believe i started to cry, was that just about everyday the two of them take a walk arm in arm (because she loses balance a lot) up this little pathway and sit beneath this bridge just talking and sometimes not and looking into the sky. It just kills me to think that m grandma, who used to be able to run around with me and my cousins like three years ago and used to sit on the ground with no problem so people 25 years younger than her could sit in chairs, cant really even walk without assistance. I guess its just all part of life, but its not something Im used to dealing with, and I guess I really havent been able to deal with or havent really tried to.
But besides that. Im stoked to get out of arifuckingzona for a few days. But... I dont want to see ben. And I guess its good then that hes not gonna be back from new york until saturday, the day we leave. I mean, I want to see him, but I just get the feeling that he doesnt want to see me. I just miss the way it was. Doing his laundry with scary asians yelling at us, being a "team" together, watching soo many movies and having him freak me out with knowing every director to the random-ass movie collection at my dads house, waiting for freddy to get home after he passed out, sleeping for two hours in his cramped bed, driving home half asleep thinking about it, ahhh this is fucked up. i miss him, and i dont want to. chad just called. ironic. i feel horrible. eh. enough for now. maybe a little too much. peace easy. |
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